a state of constant bewilderment
Wednesday morning, listening to jazz and eating breakfast. It's been a long time since I last listened to jazz, actually. I brought it out in a last-ditch effort to get myself to wash the dishes when I woke up before dawn this morning.
I spent an hour in bed just doing whatever on my phone, but in the end, I did get up and do my long-neglected dishes. It took me an hour to do it; by the time I was finished, the sun was already breaking through the dark. I don't know why I let it get this bad when I've already experienced letting it get this bad before. It's like I don't know how to be a real human adult. Does anyone else get like this? Am I the only person whose weakness is, for some reason, doing the dishes? In a way, the vague feeling of being alone in a specific struggle is really comforting. I can say come on, Valentine, it's not that hard, everyone else can do it, see?
This semester comes with a lot of extra tasks on top of my usual schoolwork and extracurriculars. I've had to do so much (and pay so much) for my med school applications. There's also stuff to do and pay for graduation. I don't really spend much outside of books and makeup, but I've really been blowing through my money these past few months. Everything is so crazy expensive: applications, graduation, my thesis, living in this city. Why did I never realize that everything would be so expensive?
I'm honestly just in a state of constant bewilderment, despite my meticulously kept planner, always within reach. Is this really what I'm doing today? Am I really doing all that today? I feel like there's so much to do, but I've been doing nothing but rotting, somehow. I hope it gets better soon.