a voice made for mourning
The song cover I was working on finally went up, and I feel...bad?
I mean, I'm proud of myself for finishing it! I'm proud of myself for doing it all on my own when I'm used to working in a group! I'm glad to know I can do things like that. But I just feel like I could have done better, somehow, even though I know I already did my best with the time and the resources I had. I don't have a dedicated mic (yet), I work with free tools, and I steal bits of time from myself when I don't have anything else to work on. I really did put a lot of effort into it, and I'm proud of that.
But I'm just not satisfied with the way it turned out. I know that's a good thing, because it means I have room to do better, but it just feels frustrating, a little. I can't even repost it.
Sometimes, when I'm working on a song, I get the feeling that I'm not really made for it, but I reason that that's probably just the insecurity talking, so I push through it anyway. What is a voice made for, anyway? It's just an excuse to not sing what I'm singing, so I ignore it. But I can't help it. I feel like I have a voice for sad songs. Yearning songs. Nostalgic songs. Things along those lines. Heartbreak and such.
It sounds pretentious as hell and I've never told anyone before, so if you're reading this, congratulations(?), you're officially one of my secret keepers. I can't help thinking that it's true. Almost every time I've gotten people's heads to turn is when I sound like I'm grieving something: a lost love, a different sort of life. I sang a happy song today, and all I can think about is that it would have sounded so much better if I'd been crying into the mic.
That's a terrible thought, and I don't like thinking about it, but there you go. Don't get me wrong—I love singing anything and everything, as long as it's within range, and I really do want to try singing happier songs. I guess I'm just naturally better at sounding sad. A voice made for mourning?
I don't like declaring that, so I won't. I'll leave this here, just to set it down, and when I wake up I'll try my best to be a different kind of voice.