all this trying
It's 2 a.m., and I'm writing this in my childhood bedroom. But I'm not a child anymore, and I've come to that horrible realization that probably comes upon everyone in their early twenties, when they think they've been changing for the worse.
As I write this, I can hear the voice of reason in my head saying, Valentine, you're literally young. Shut up. But I just can't help it. The person I am now, applying to medical schools, is light years away from the person I was just a few years ago, sitting in this same bed, applying to college. 18-year-old Valentine would have never thought about giving up. 18-year-old Valentine looked to universities oceans away, knowing she never stood a chance, but she still sent in those applications anyway.
20-something Valentine was indirectly told a few days ago that she should have never applied for the program she applied to and now she wants to shut this whole thing down immediately. When did I ever get so obedient?
They weren't really wrong, anyway. Maybe I really shouldn't have applied, for a variety of reasons. But I'm here now, and I've already paid the application fee and the document fees and involved so many other people, so I might as well see it through, even if all it does is send embarrassment coursing through my entire body. This is all so embarrassing. Applications. All this trying to be someone that other people want.
But the real pain is that I do want to do this...all this trying to become someone that other people need. Maybe it's stupid. Maybe I looked up to my childhood doctors too much. I don't know. I'm here now, anyway. It would do me good to remember why.