becoming valentine
I'm Valentine. As you've probably already guessed, that is not my real name. I like my (semi-)anonymity. I may be spilling my guts on here, but I'd like to do it under the cover of a good old pseudonym.
Like a lot of people, I've been using different names online for years. Obviously not to commit crimes, but to make it less likely I become a victim of one. Also, I just like it. Names fascinate me: they make up such a big part of our first impressions. I've tried feminine names and not-so-feminine ones. I've never tried a really masculine name, though—I've always loved being a woman, online and offline, even if it comes with many inconveniences of varying sizes.
I took Valentine from the Måneskin song of the same name. But if that's too somber for you, there's also the Laufey song, which is markedly happier, and also a song I've always adored. (Really, though, it's from the Måneskin one. I heard it when the album came out and it just clicked.)
The name Valentine comes from the Latin valens, strong and healthy. But of course, our main association with it is St. Valentine, patron saint of lovers (and beekeepers, and epileptics).
I've never loved anyone the way Måneskin sings about love in their "Valentine". The times I've been in (romantic) love, it's always been more like the love Laufey sings about in her "Valentine". Lighter, softer, more unsure. Younger, I suppose, like puppy love. Måneskin's version of love is an obsessive, ruinous thing, something that brings all-consuming grief as well as pure happiness. My now-namesake song ends with insane instrumentals and one line, sung over and over again: "All this love, all this love..."
It reminds me of that one Fleabag quote:
“I don’t know what to do with it.”
“With what?”
“With all the love I have for her. I don’t know where to put it now.”
When I'm Valentine, the writer, I explore love, grief, and everything in between, regardless of whether those pieces get posted or not. (But what does a 20-year-old student know about love or grief or other big human emotions? Currently learning a lot, I'm afraid.)
Writing means I can talk about things I'd never bring up in conversation in real life, except with my closest friends. It's kind of funny how much I'm willing to share in embarrassing detail here. Not everything, but still a lot more than I do offline. I'd be so much less willing to talk about struggling with impostor syndrome or being average if you asked me about it in real life, face to face.
There's something about writing, especially writing anonymously, that's so freeing. My only hope is that I never abuse that freedom.
The inspiration for this post was taken from Belghast's Blaugust prompt list: "How did you get the name that you regularly go by online, and what if anything does it mean?"