do i clench my fists?
I have one watch that ticks louder than the rest, a soft pink piece given to me a few years ago. It's not my daily watch, but I use it enough for it to earn a place on my desk instead of in the jewelry box. In the quiet hours, when I'm alone with my thoughts, I hear it: nothing else in the world, just me and the time passing me by.
It's half past midnight. I think a lot about time passing these days.
A few days ago I earned my basic life support provider certification, with the appropriate amount of being scared in the practical exam by my instructor. Every second matters in an emergency situation, after all. When I got home there was a bruise on my wrist from my watch digging into it while I did compressions.
Will I ever have to use my certification? When it comes down to it, will I be able to break someone's ribs in exchange for what could be the rest of their life? Can I live with the knowledge of what bone crunching beneath my hands feels like? Can I get out of my own head enough to do it right?
Healthcare terrifies me, and yet there's nothing else in the cards for me, no other career I would've ever picked. I still think about it a lot. I'm probably going to think about it for the rest of my schooling, from med student to clerk to intern to resident to wherever it is I'm going to stop. Maybe I'm going to think about it for the rest of my life. How much trust do I have to earn with myself, before other people can trust me with their lives?
ridgeclub - do i clench my fists?