valentine's days

excerpts from pieces i never published

ode to a friendship i wish i kept

I'm still in her Close Friends story. It's shallow and social media-y, I know, but I smile whenever I see the little green circle around her icon. I know she's careful with who she keeps close. I'm glad she still thinks I'm someone she can allow to see things she wants a little more private, even though we barely talk anymore.

on female friendship

It wasn't like we were strangers before—we were already friends, or somewhere in the nebulous space between friends and acquaintances. We talked in class, within our larger, overarching web of friends. But we weren't close enough for me to really call us friends, until now.

Now we've been blowing up each other's phones, talking about this and that ... I've known these girls for a couple years now, but this is really the first time we've been so open with each other.

choosing something you're not good at

I've devoted years and years to the vague pursuit of Knowledge, operating on a childhood dream to become a Scientist. But it's clear as day, like all the facts I try to collect: I'm not good at this. And for some reason, I still wake up every day and do it.

Maybe it's some sort of sunk-cost fallacy situation: I've given up so much for this, I just don't know how or when to give up. I chose this, like everyone else. This is my life now, no matter how bad I am at it.

you can just talk to people

But when do I earn the right to call someone a friend? Is there some sort of threshold we cross? An event we need to experience? I just don't know. Maybe it's something left over from years of being The Shy Kid. Or maybe I'm just a really bad judge of friendship when it involves myself.

i want you to be happy (far away from me)

I want to hear about their happiness from some generic social media post along with the rest of their acquaintances. I want to be able to see their name someday without the instant ugly emotions it drags out of me: I hate your shitty attitude, I hate how you wasted so much of my advice, I hate how you think you can do anything you want with anyone you want.

old friends and old loves

I have a trail of hobbies I've left behind me. I still "play" a few other instruments, but the truth is I haven't touched any of them in maybe a year. I feel horrible about it, because instruments aren't meant to stay quiet, but I just can't summon the energy to play. My string calluses are gone. It feels so final.

But I have to believe that no love is wasted ...

on writing for me

Not everything has to be immediately on display. Sometimes, ideas need a little longer in the safety of your own brain.

everyday carry

Sometimes I think about lessening the amount of stuff I bring with me every day. Maybe leaving the lip balm, or the first aid kit, or the coins. But what if my lips are dry, or I scrape myself somewhere, or I need loose change? It's all the what if situations that get me. Even if the last time I got a cut was months ago.

#mirror