I can't quit if I tell you I'm not quitting
There's a certain power that comes with having witnesses around you. You become not only the person you think you should be, but also, interestingly, what you think other people think you should be. You sit up straight and sip your drink like somebody who's got it all together when you're in a busy cafe. You pull out your notes when you go to the library and find yourself surrounded by people studying. A little external motivation, if you will. So, I'm here to tell you all today that I am most certainly not going to quit med school.
It will not be jinxed. It will not be doomed because I wrote it out. I'm going to finish med school, and you're all going to watch me do it, even if I'm feeling all mixed up about it the whole time. To be honest, I don't think I would have quit even if I didn't write this, but spelling it out for yourself never hurts.
I'm nearly halfway through my first year, and as expected, it's absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done. It will get worse. I know this, and like every other crazy person in this field, I will be continuing. Do I have regrets? Of course I do. I still think about every other version of myself I could've been if I'd made different choices, or seen other paths when they were open to me (not to say that there's only one way through life at a time!). But I have to admit that if I didn't try what I chose to try, it would have been the biggest regret of my life. Bigger than any I've ever had. Eclipses them, really.
It's making me cringe to write it here, but I do have to say it embarrassingly clear for the version of me who's inevitably going to look back at this post: I have to forget about my what-ifs, because the life I chose is right in front of me, and I'd be stupid not to grab it with both hands. I want it. I want it so excruciatingly bad that I have no choice but to pour so much into myself so that I can pour out of myself in turn. I have to become the person that the people I love believe I can be. There can be no looking back. There will be no room for hesitation when I hold someone else's life in my hands. So I have to try, even when I feel dumb, or lonely, or afraid, or whatever else it is.
There's just things you know you have to do, even if sometimes you're scared there's actually nothing ahead of you. That's what this is for me, and that's why I can't quit. And now I can't quit if I tell you I'm not quitting!