i miss who i used to be
Some people reminisce about their exes when they hear sad, wistful songs. I reminisce about who I used to be (in a gifted kid burnout way, not a narcissistic way). The ghost of Valentine past, if you will.
I'm listening to NIKI's new album Buzz while working on my planned projects for one of my college organizations. It's taking me right back to high school, when I was stepping into my very first "real" leadership position in an executive committee.
Isn't it funny how things that were so serious to you get so much less so over time? I remember tripping over my words that day, feeling the heat crawl up my neck and ears when it was my turn to speak. Little fifteen-year-old me, surrounded by older girls I looked up to. I wanted so badly to impress them. When our director messaged me after the meeting to tell me I did great, I sagged with relief.
Now that I'm older than she was back then, I see how I must've looked to her: just a girl trying so hard to seem like she had it all under control. She must've known how important her encouragement was to me.
I loved what I did there. I stayed until I graduated high school. But when I started college, I wanted to leave it all behind me. I was tired and burned out, and it didn't seem like it having extracurriculars would help. Whether it was good instinct or a self-fulfilling prophecy, I was right. I changed in a bad way. I messed up everything I touched.
I've come a long way now from my disastrous freshman year. I've pulled up my grades. I've made a few good friends. My extracurriculars are starting to look up again—the entire catalyst of this post was the project presentation I was putting together. But I can't help it. I still miss who I used to be before all this, even though I know it's just my memories polishing themselves brighter than they really were. Nostalgia really is one hell of a drug.