limit testing
In a lot of ways, this semester can be summed up as limit testing. What's the absolute least amount of sleep and food I can get in my body to survive a day without crashing before I can get home? (Two hours, and two meals that can barely be called meals.) What's the longest amount of time I can keep my social battery running in a day? (Somewhere between eight to twelve hours.) Can I become an extrovert occasionally to deal with situations? (Yes, but I crash right after.)
I fucking hate everything I just said. I hate that I have to go to 7 a.m. classes on two hours of sleep and no breakfast because all the previous day's work bled into this one and I just can't seem to get my shit together. I hate keeping (most) conversations running. I hate this semester with a burning passion. But I don't want this whole post to be just talking about all the things I hate right now, so I guess it's time to talk about singing again.
In an unexpected turn of events, I sang with a few of my friends in a collegewide talent show. For some goddamn bonus points. I never would've signed up for it if there weren't any points on the line, but it's okay. I had fun, I think? If not during the actual performance, in rehearsal, at least. We did a piece we all really like. It was hard, but our choir helped out a lot, too, even though they really didn't have to because we weren't officially representing them anyway.
Limit testing, again. How much can I sing before I need to drink water to reset my throat? (Not a lot, but more than I thought.) How high can I go? (Higher. Higher. Higher.) Do I have enough air and power to get all of these parts done back to back? (Not really.) Do I actually like the sound of my voice? (Deciding.) I've never had any real vocal training, so this was the first time I've really gotten to know what I'm capable of.
I was in charge of doing the higher ends of the harmonies, which means I had a few notes that sound ridiculous on their own, but I'm just amazed by the fact that they were actually hittable notes. I know it's nothing special, but it's so crazy to me that I had the ability to do something like this the entire time and I never knew!!! Like, that was a real high note, not just the small whispery one you do when your only audience is yourself.
Eventually I didn't have to think quite as hard about what note would be coming out of my mouth next. I didn't feel like I was squeezing the sound out, either, which was practically magic to me. I mean, I'm clearly still putting in effort, but now the effort is actually going somewhere.
But still, stage fright is still my enemy. I hate performing. I simply don't have the kind of magnetic presence you need to stand on stage and make sure everybody's looking at you instead of their phones. I don't have experience. I don't have an exquisite voice. I can just hit my notes. That's all. I spent years and years writing instead of speaking. Why the hell am I singing?
I hated every minute I was on that stage, with the spotlight and the smoke machine and my own searing migraine. I guess that's more limit testing. How much light makes my eyes water? How much weird-smelling smoke ruins the taste in my mouth? Will my body make me pay for this tomorrow?
But it's like some drug. I can't deny that I liked the rush. The thrill of knowing that maybe I could pull this off. I liked the singing itself. I want to keep singing, even though I hate everything about performing. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?