LOST!
Like the RM song. I guess I didn't think it would be so hard to accept that I did, in fact, know everything at 18 but nothing at 21. (I'll check back in when I turn 22 to see if I still know nothing and Taylor Swift was right about that, too.)
I'm a college junior. I'm supposed to have an idea of what I want to do with my life by now, but it makes my skin crawl to think about it. And I have thought about it. A lot. It's hard not to when I'm stumbling through my program at one of the best universities in the country, when I've been doing internship application after internship application, when going back to my hometown feels like a performance: here is your daughter, she's all grown up, she's got a plan and she's on track.
I do still plan on going to med school. But I've been reading lots of stories about people finding their passions, and I don't know if this is really what I want, or if, somehow, there's something out there that I haven't considered but was actually meant for me all this time.
It's a thought I've had on and off since childhood. What if there's something out there that I didn't know was meant for me, and I never found it? Would its absence make my life wrong? How am I supposed to know? And does it really matter if I can just tell myself that I can be good at anything I want to be good at?
I have lots of these thoughts, these days.
I just don't know anymore if I can want something without knowing what it's really like. Like med school. I know I want it, but will I still want it when I've suffered through a semester? Will I still want it ten years later, when I'm wearing that white coat, and it's been a long day, and someone just died while I was trying to save them, and I still have to go home and cook myself dinner?
Should I get a master's degree instead? Should I become something completely different, like a makeup artist or a novelist or a baker or a florist? What do I want to be good at? The fact that I'm still asking these questions, when I'm supposed to be the kind of person who's already had everything planned out, drives me insane. Maybe I just need to eat dinner and go to sleep.