my god i'm so lonely
I hate writing these struggle posts. I set this to be undiscoverable (not listed on the Bear discovery feed), so if you're here, well. Congratulations(?) and welcome(?) to my first bonus sad post.
God, the situation is dire. I've pulled out all the sad songs by artists I used to listen to in high school: the boygenius girls, Mitski, the works. If I were sadder, maybe I would've cried to that one Phoebe Bridgers line that always gets me. But I'm not today, so I have to stay in this in-between, building-up place, where I can't brush it off but I can't cry it out. I don't know if it's better or worse than the last few days of me screaming and crying because all the little things have snowballed into this massive fucking mass of things.
The Mitski song is a banger, but I know I'm not lonely, not really. I have family and friends and a boyfriend. But sometimes there's just a limit to what you can tell a friend, you know? When you feel like you've exhausted their patience and they have to go live their lives now instead of listening to you whine again. And now you're just out here listening to sad songs and being sad on a blog.
I don't know why I feel like this. Maybe I've finally succumbed to the mental illness. Last night I was listening to California by Chappell Roan and almost cried, because it's not just this one shitty day with irascible old professors and too much stuff to do. It's my whole life since I moved away from home to chase some faraway dream. Isn't that corny? Dreams. Ha.
I'm just another small town girl trying to live her life in the city, and after eight years I still don't understand how people really Live here. It's awful. I hate the smoke and the noise and the way I've grown used to sirens. I hate the days when, sitting at the table with your glittering, larger-than-life friends, so obviously at home here, you look at them and suddenly get thrown back into some random insecurity and now you have to sit there and socialize and ignore the feeling that you could be anyone at that moment except yourself, because that one's not good enough. Isn't that horrible? I hate feeling that way. It feels unfair to both me and them. It makes me feel like a bad person. Guess I'm not as grown as I should be.
I never, ever get homesick, but it's been a rough couple weeks, and now I just wanna run back home. Eat my parents' food and watch TV with my grandmother and hug my dogs until they're annoyed with me. But I'm just out here alone in a tiny piece of sky. At least I have that, don't I? I've always been fascinated by apartments, all stacked on top of each other. When I get in the elevator I remember that strangers have lives, too. Do some of them secretly feel like this, too?