my impostor syndrome has impostor syndrome
Yesterday I finally caved and calculated my final grade for one of my major classes. My professor had posted all our scores a few weeks ago, but didn't give a final grade herself. I guess she thought at least one of us would be crazy enough to just solve for it. I was.
It's not like it was hard to do. I had my scores and the syllabus with the grading system on it. I calculated...and ended up with a grade far off from what I was expecting. Higher. High enough to ensure that, even though I don't have all my grades yet, the ones I already have are probably enough to get me an award for the first time in college. (Yes, unfortunately I still need academic validation.)
Of course, there's always a possibility that I did it wrong.
By virtue of having gotten used to failing hard and often in the first half of high school and now sorely disappointing myself in the first half of college, my grade estimation skills are extremely bad. Half the time I think I score lower than I actually do. Half the time I disappoint myself by being right and scoring average or below average. It's enough times to convince my brain that my low expectations for myself are valid.
I know, I know. It's a vicious cycle, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't break myself out of it. My work is too inconsistent to be confident in. Sometimes I'm good, but sometimes I'm the dumbest person in the room. Even my impostor syndrome has impostor syndrome. Like, am I really smart enough to have impostor syndrome? How dare I think I might be good, actually?
But I might be. I just have to convince myself of it. I don't know why it's so hard to be confident in my own abilities. It's not like I bribed or nepo-babied my way into this university. I'm doing perfectly average, yes, but isn't that better than nothing? I never claimed to be a genius. Average should be just fine for a major this notoriously hard.
But it's so...humiliating. To know I could do better and yet for some reason I don't. Maybe I just need a nap. Or an ice cream cone.