some thoughts from within the haze
A storm is blowing in again, so I'm holed up in my apartment, watching the raindrops fall and listening to the wind howl.1
I've been so busy, but every now and then a thought flashes in my mind that I file away as something I want to write about soon. Now that I actually have a few hours to myself to write, I don't know what exactly I want to write about anymore.
I guess it's the usual college student stuff—I've been feeling so inadequate recently. It's kinda crazy. I know it's just my brain making stuff up, but every time I have to do something, I feel so dumb. Studying, practicing, writing. All of it. Like there's something I'm missing that everyone else has already grasped. Maybe I just need more sleep.
Is it just me who's struggling to get up and do things? I feel like I exist in a haze. I spend hours and hours trying to shake myself out of it every day, like I'm trying to coax a cat out of a corner. It's okay. All you have to do is get up.
But I don't want to get up and do things. It's not even because I want to stay in the corner. I don't even particularly like it here. I'm just in some state of purgatory. Mental illness? Executive dysfunction? I don't know. It takes me so long just to muster the willpower to do the dishes. And yet I do my makeup and pack my bag, and when I step out of the apartment I'm perfect again: Valentine, fresh faced, always smiling, rarely angry. Why can't I be perfect for myself, too, behind closed doors?
Whenever I get like this, I think about that one post about how being an adult is like being your own zookeeper. I have to make sure I'm eating enough, sleeping enough, keeping my apartment clean2, not accidentally ruining my relationships with friends and family by dropping off the face of the earth with no warning...I can do it, but it's just exhausting.
There's something to be said about all the storms that have passed through, one after another, each one stronger than the last. It's scary to be witnessing climate change in action and knowing I can't do much about it outside of individual efforts because I'm not a person in power, in charge of some giant corporation or government.↩
This weekend my dad came to visit while I was on campus taking an exam, and when he opened the door he was greeted by the sight of my dishes stacked in the sink and my trash not taken out yet. It was very embarrassing and I need to be a better self-zookeeper.↩