sometimes the mundane is just mundane
Over the summer term, I've been discovering a problem I have: I just can't start doing things.
Not things as in projects. I start projects all the time. I start writing new stories whenever I have ideas (it's the finishing them that gets me). I take out my watercolor pad and start sketching when I see something I want to paint. I even started this blog in the same hour I found out about Bearblog. No, I just mean little everyday things.
Chores. Feeding myself. I ate dinner at 8 p.m. today because I just couldn't make myself stand up and get food. Well, at least it was an improvement over yesterday, when I ate at 9 p.m. I don't know why it's so hard for me, but I just can't seem to admit that it's hard because it seems like such a dumb problem to have.
Shouldn't it be mind-numbingly easy to take some food and start eating? We're humans. We have to eat. We like to eat. It's understandable if I phrase it like "I can't seem to do my dishes on time" because it's somewhat normal to be lazy about chores, but saying that about things like eating or showering just feels weird. (Maybe I can't eat on time because my brain gets stuck on the fact that I have to do dishes later? Is that how it works? I don't know.)
It's not like I have a bad relationship with food or personal hygiene. I like good food, and I love the feeling of washing all my cares down the drain at the end of the day. I just can't summon the energy to take care of myself, sometimes. It takes me hours to start doing it. Isn't that ridiculous?
Maybe I just have executive dysfunction or something. I've been managing this whole time by almost religiously using lists and calendars and trackers, but at some point I have to surrender and stop running from the university guidance counselors. Again. I've already reached out to them for academic problems before. I feel kind of dumb coming back now with the same problem shifted two inches to the left: Remember when I couldn't focus on studying and it would take me hours to get in the zone? I didn't tell you that I'm like that with taking care of myself, too! Maybe I should just ask them if it looks like I should go to a psychiatrist instead of a counselor.
Ugh. When I sat down to write this evening, I didn't plan on it turning into such a down post, especially after writing about running low on inspiration last time. Hopefully I have something good to write about next time.