turning the key in the lock and slipping through the door
Coming back to this blog feels like sneaking into my own apartment, trying to be quiet, even though this is my apartment. I guess that's just how it feels to come back from internet death.
I didn't mean to disappear for the whole of September (and half of October), but sometimes life creeps up on you. When I started this blog, I intended on posting at least once every month. I've had it now for over a year, and this is the first time I've broken that rule. Oh, well. I'm here now, aren't I? I need to check my email, too...
College is hard. In a few days I'll be taking the most important exam of my life so far (med school admission test!) and I am extremely, woefully underprepared. It's not like I didn't try; I've been trying and trying. But sometimes it just doesn't go the way you want it to, and that's okay. I still have a few more days to get as much stuff in my head as possible, and I still have that baseless confidence I've always had my entire life: I can do it. Maybe not as good as I wanted to, but I can still do it.
But I've been so tired. Lately I've been alternating between waking up at ungodly hours and sleeping at ungodly hours. My extracurricular workload is insane. My academic workload is just as insane as it always is. Sometimes I can feel myself slipping. I hadn't written a single word I wanted to in a long time, until this post.
I wish I had more time to do stuff. I wish I didn't need to eat and sleep. But it's useless to think like that, isn't it? I didn't want to come here just to whine, I've done enough of that already.
I'll tell you about today instead. I'm writing this on a gray morning, just in front of my window. It's raining, the kind of rain that's a constant, dull roar in the back of your head. I hope the streets don't get flooded—my country's been dealing with a lot of corruption scandals, flood control and otherwise, these past few months. The city's as noisy as it's always been the entire time I've been here. Home, perhaps.
I haven't had breakfast. Maybe I should go and make myself toast, and stare at the rain.