uphill, uphill, uphill
I've reached the point of the semester where half (or more) of the battle is just sheer willpower. I can't let up even a little. I can't miss a single class. I can't give up even when I absolutely Fail something, and I have, because that's even more reason for not giving up.
I know nothing is ever that serious. High school taught me that. But I really do think I could be jeopardizing my future if I mess up even a little at this stage.
Outside of academics, the rest of my life these past few weeks has been very much a rollercoaster. I went on a girls' day with my college friends; my feet hurt because I stupidly wore heels, but I was happy. I finished Haikyuu. I filled out the mental health questionnaire for my university's annual physical exam and realized that I actually am happier (if not, at least more stable) these days than I was when I was 18 and 19.
And of course, since you can't be up all the time, I sobbed the whole way to class yesterday because of new problems that opened old wounds. I don't know what to do when someone relies on me to anchor them here. I try, but I just don't know. I've had to do it so many times and I never learn. Does anyone really know how to talk someone down? It's almost as if I'm grieving someone still alive. Maybe I am.